Freedom Through Forgiveness

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Many years ago, a business owner asked my wife (a graphic designer) to design a logo for his company. One day he seemed to love her ideas… the next day he’d change his mind. And this dragged on for days and weeks. Eventually, seeing that nothing satisfied him, my wife bowed out and sent a small bill for the work she’d done.

A few days later, he left a nasty voicemail, calling my wife every filthy name under the sun, and I mean, every name. I was standing there as she played back the call, and I was outraged. I drove to his workplace, slammed my business card down in front of him, and said, “If you ever speak to my wife that way again, I’ll make sure your business gets all the notoriety it deserves.” You see, I was a TV business news reporter at the time. Of course, my threat was inappropriate in the heat of the moment. Nonetheless, I got into my car and drove away, seething.

Don’t Pretend

But the Lord convicted me that I needed to forgive this poor fellow. I looked into the mirror, and knowing what a sinner I am, I said, “Yes, of course, Lord… I will forgive him.” But in the days ahead, every time I drove by his business, the sting of injustice rose up in my soul, releasing a fresh dose of the poison of his words. But then this Scripture would come to mind:

Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:26)

This past Sunday at Mass, I recalled this experience again as I listened to the First Reading:

Forgive your neighbor’s injustice; then when you pray, your own sins will be forgiven. Could anyone nourish anger against another and expect healing from the LORD? Could anyone refuse mercy to another like himself, can he seek pardon for his own sins? (Sirach 27:30-28:4)

In his homily, the priest said: “Jesus does not ask us to pretend that we were not hurt.” Indeed, the pain I was feeling back then was real. The injustice was real. If someone hits your car and you bump your head, you can forgive that person, but you still have a headache until the pain passes. Likewise, a wound to the heart can take time to heal. In that light, it becomes clear that forgiveness is a choice, not a fake feeling trying to mask the pain.

Now, the guy who said these things to my wife has never asked for forgiveness. When someone hurts us but shows no remorse, forgiveness prevents them from controlling my emotions. Forgiveness puts everything back into context — that they have a fallen human nature like me — so I forgive and pray for them. As Sirach says, “Could anyone refuse mercy to another like himself?”

Unforgiveness, on the other hand, is what actually gives that person power over me. We think silence, the cold shoulder, or another form of vengeance will punish them. It never does. It punishes ourselves.

Wrath and anger are hateful things, yet the sinner hugs them tight. (Sirach 27:30)

We have to let go, not of the memory, if that’s even possible, but of wrath and revenge. Why? Because through the Cross, God has established a new economy of justice founded on mercy. It’s no longer “an eye for an eye”; now, under the New Covenant of mercy, we are to bear others’ faults the way Jesus bore our faults on the Cross. If He forgave us, even as He hung upon the Cross, with not a single soul asking for forgiveness, how can we ever withhold forgiveness from another? That’s why Jesus says plainly:

If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions. (Matthew 6:14-15) …unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart. (Matthew 18:35)

So, Our Lord isn’t speaking about a mechanical action—a cold, detached pronouncement of forgiveness. He’s calling us to genuinely love our enemies, “from the heart.”

Still, what do you do with the real pain you feel when you recall the person who has hurt you and what they did? The answer is that forgiveness is above all a choice, not a feeling.

A Choice from the Heart

And so, as I drove by that guy’s business each day, I chose again and again and again to forgive him and to pray for the one who had cursed my wife. “Jesus, I ask that You bless him, his health, his family, and his business. I pray too that, if He does not know You, that may he find You; and that, as You have shown me mercy, neither will You hold this against him.” This went on for months. Each time I passed his workplace, I would feel a certain pang, even anger some days… but I responded with an act of the will to forgive. I also asked God to give me the grace to forgive, because “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”^[1]Matt 25:41 Jesus once said to St. Faustina:

You will give Me pleasure if you hand over to Me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace. —Jesus to St. Faustina, Divine Mercy in My Soul, Diary, n. 1485

Well, one day, as the same pattern of hurt replayed, I forgave this guy once more “from the heart.” Suddenly, a burst of joy and love for this man flooded my soul. I felt no anger toward him; instead, I wanted to walk through his door, embrace him, and tell him I loved him with the love of Christ and wished him nothing but the best. From that day forward, remarkably, there was no more bitterness and pain, no more replaying in my mind how I could have exacted better revenge… there was only peace. My wounded emotions were at last healed, exactly when Christ chose to heal them: I suspect, after I had learned this valuable lesson on forgiveness.

Changing the Future

At the end of his homily this past weekend, the priest repeated this gem twice: “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it can change the future.” Let that sink in.

Unforgiveness is like a dam that blocks grace, dries up the riverbeds of peace, and suffocates joy. We can’t underestimate how radically unforgiveness can hold us in bondage and alter our lives, our health, and even our salvation.

But forgiveness is like a dam that finally lets go. It lets God’s grace flow to purify, heal, and restore not only our hearts, but sometimes relationships that seem irreparably broken. As Jesus said, “For human beings this is impossible but for God all things are possible.”^[2]Matthew 19:26 More than once, I have seen God raise from the ashes the most impossible situations — when there is genuine humility and forgiveness. For when we are generous in forgiveness, God is generous to us. As St. Peter said,

Above all, let your love for one another be intense, because love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Pet 4:8)

Forgiveness doesn’t change the past; it doesn’t erase what happened. In fact, it may not even change the one who has hurt you. But it can change your future as you break free from the prison of bitterness and walk in the freedom Jesus paid for with His own blood… even when you weren’t aware that He was then, already, forgiving you.

So grateful for your prayers and support.
Thank you!